things I’m afraid to tell you….

I was incredibly inspired by these “things I’m afraid to tell you” posts around the blog world last week, which started in an effort to bring some transparency to bloggers by Ez from Creature Comforts.   I let this post hang out as a draft since Friday because I wasn’t sure I wanted to press publish.  I think last night’s lack of sleep is the reason I feel so brave this morning.  I usually don’t get too personal here, I think because I share so many personal photos, I keep the written insights of our lives to a minimum to maintain a bit of privacy.  Sometimes that feels stupid.  Other times it seems right.  Sometimes I think about how strange is it that I feel much more comfortable sharing my life here on my blog than I do on my own facebook page.  The blog world is sometimes strange, but in my experience it is also pretty amazing, and full of such lovely and supportive people.  So here are a few things I would never normally share with strangers (especially without a glass of wine):

// I am learning to accept the fact that depression will probably always be a part of my life.  Learning to deal with it and acknowledge its place in my daily life is a struggle, but a challenge I am trying to both understand and balance.  Yoga and a very supportive husband help keep my bad days to a minimum, but I don’t think they will ever really go away.

// The thought of moving back to the US terrifies me, and I don’t really know why.  Two days into my trip home in February I was looking at apartments in San Francisco, then I suddenly wanted to teleport back to Berlin.  It breaks my heart to be so far away from the people I love, but Europe feels more like home at this point in my life.  It is a point that Andreas and I don’t always see eye to eye on.

// The last few months have been simultaneously great and incredibly difficult.

// No one will tell you that during the first few weeks of owning a puppy, you might think you made a terrible decision.  Hazel made me cry at least one time.  Fortunately those weeks seem to be behind us :)

// After years of freelancing beside my full time job, I am finally going 100% freelance and throwing myself into my wedding photography business- and it is absolutely terrifying.

// Living abroad has destroyed my grammar.  I know I can only blame myself for that, but I am incredibly embarrassed by the amount of mistakes I now make when both speaking and writing in English.  (this would also hold true for German as well)

// I am at times (more often than not) incredibly socially awkward.

// Working from home means that during the week, more often than not, I am probably wearing some sort of spandex.  Somedays I shower at 5pm.

// Missing my friends and family has begun to feel normal, and I think I have learned to desensitize myself in order to live so far away.  that scares me immensely.

// We have lived in our apartment since the new year and are still have boxes hiding behind the couch which need to be unpacked.  And we still have a fair amount of furniture to buy, and curtains to hang…

// I have dyed my hair since I was 17 going from platinum blonde to black and pretty much everything in between.  Now I actually have a reason to dye my hair, as I have a colony of grey which hang out directly in my part line.  It almost makes me want to go back to my natural blonde so the grey will be easier disguised.  **& for the record, I think grey hair is gorgeous and wish I could let mine show, but I feel like my wrinkles age me enough already.  Maybe someday I will be brave enough.

Some of my friends wrote these posts as well and pushed me to be brave enough to write one for myself- thank you blog friends for being so wonderful. and for reading :)

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